I Don’t Think I’m Use-able
Seven and a half weeks. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve worked out at my gym. It’s how long it’s been since I’ve been inside a restaurant, hung out with friends, gotten my nails done or done anything that seems or feels remotely normal. It’s also how long it’s been since I’ve written anything.
Now, I know we’re all supposed to have a bunch of extra time right now (all the people with kids can join me in hysterical laughter) but it hasn’t been for lack of time that I haven’t written. The truth is, I have’t had much to say. At least not anything that wasn’t already being said.
You don’t have to search the interwebs for long before you stumble on to someone’s dissertation on how our pandemic reality is impacting every aspect of life. To be fair, I’ve enjoyed reading many of them and I’m glad that people are writing. I just haven’t felt compelled to say anything myself.
And I still don’t. At least not about pandemic life.
You see, the fact that I have’t had anything to say is what’s really been on my mind.
I’ve felt like I SHOULD have something profound to add. A few months ago I began feeling convicted and compelled to write and share truths that God was teaching me. I felt a calling to develop as a writer and teacher and pursue it passionately. A list of topics came tumbling out of my heart and I couldn’t write them down fast enough. It was a season of fantastic creative energy.
When social and business restrictions began and stay at home orders were issued, I knew in my heart that I needed to press the pause button on my plans. And I was ok with that. Until I wasn’t.
Doubt began to creep in and I started hearing that annoying voice inside my head say uncomfortable
things: You don’t have anything to write because you really aren’t that creative. You’ve clearly misunderstood - God isn’t calling you to anything important or significant. You aren’t capable of following through on this. You are’t smart enough, influential enough, attractive enough or thin enough for people to listen to you.
Inside I began to feel like an awkward, 14 year old girl again. (Pictured below with a rather unfortunate hairstyle choice.)
It’s astonishing how quickly that dark voice can permeate our minds, isn’t it? Fortunately, God’s voice is louder, His truth speaks more clearly and His light shines brighter.
This morning I was confronted with truth through the verse of the day on the Bible app I use:
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”
Matthew 19:26
As I pondered that and reflected on the truth of those words, a weight began to lift. The truth is, it’s NOT up to me to generate profound things to say. Truth doesn’t even come from me, it comes from God. In the right season, at just the right time, He will speak truth through me.
I continued through my morning by reading a devotion* written by my friend, Simi. It was about Hannah who had experienced bullying and heart-wrenching disappointment over not having children. As part of the devotion Simi challenged readers to write down the labels and lies we’ve believed about ourselves. I completed the exercise and was hit hard by the truth that is my confession for today: I don’t think I’m good enough for God to use.
Wow. That’s hard to swallow. And it’s a complete lie.
Now, what is true is that there are people out there who are smarter, more influential, more attractive and thinner than I am. That’s a fact. But a further fact is this: those things don’t matter.
I’m a performance driven person and it’s hard for me to accept that intelligence, influence and physical appearance don’t equate to success. But in the counter-cultural Kingdom of God, the first are last and the last are first. God takes the unlikely, the outcast, the humble and raises them up and uses them in ways that you and I could never imagine. Things that are impossible for me and for you to accomplish, but are not only possible, but probable with God!
I don’t pretend to know how God will use me, but I will keep trusting that He can.
#confessionsofanotsolaidbackmom
*The devotion I reference is from I Am Not by Simi John. Available for purchase on Amazon.com
