I’m Too Smart For My Own Good

I attended five different elementary schools as a child. I was actually on my fourth school by the time I made it to second grade. This wasn’t really the plan my parents made from the beginning, it’s just how things turned out between job transfers and divorce. Clearly all this instability didn’t kill me, but I do think it made it more difficult for me to connect with other kids. I was already on the shy side, so the parade of new buildings, teachers and classmates contributed somewhat to me being a bit of a loner.

Looking back, I think it was also in second grade that I figured out I was “smart.” My teacher had basically no information about me (I’m old so I’m pretty sure school records were hand written and copied with ditto machines and no one kept track of the reading aptitude of a seven year old anyway) so she did what any teacher with an unknown student would do, she put me in the lowest level reading group. No one one knew it was the lowest level, but it didn’t take me long to figure it out. We were the Jaguars. All the groups were named for animals and a jaguar sounds cool and fast but my fellow jaguars read at a snail’s pace. I started working my way up the animal kingdom and within two weeks I was an Eagle along with the other kids who could “soar” through all of our reading assignments. Let me tell you, I was proud of myself.

I didn’t have a lot going for me in life at that point. I was the new kid. I wasn’t athletic (we’ve covered that). I was chubby. My hair was…interesting (see pic for evidence). I came from a newly broken home. My mom was making ends meet but we didn’t have the money for designer clothes. All of that seemed to matter less the day I became an Eagle. I was smart. That was my “thing” and no one could take it from me.

And truthfully that’s the “thing” I’ve clung to for the 41 years since the day I earned Eagle status. We moved again before fourth grade and starting over was easier because I had that confidence in myself. Three years later a new house on the other side of town took me to a different middle school than the one I had attended the year before, but I knew my place and I quickly landed with other “Eagles.” Even now that I’ve been out of college for over two decades I still base a lot of my self-worth on my academic accomplishments.

I’ve come to see, however, that this can actually be a liability. It makes me too self-reliant. I think I can figure everything out on my own and am reluctant to ask for help or do things in community. Worse still, I find myself turning first to my own intellect instead of pursuing Godly wisdom.

If you grew up in a traditional church like I did, you probably remember memorizing Proverbs 3:5-6 early on:

Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways, submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

(Bonus points for anyone who can sing the song)

“Lean not on your own understanding.” Those words have taken me some time to work through. I mean, God didn’t create me the way He did on accident. It’s not a sin to be smart. Or athletic, or musical, or a leader, or to have any of the talents God may have doled out on you. In fact, God wants to use the talents He’s given me and you to help others, to grow us into His likeness and to show His character to the world.

It’s when I go first to my own mind and knowledge instead of looking to Him that problems arise. Proverbs 3 goes on to say in verse 7: Do not be wise in your own eyes.

That stings a bit because it hits oh so close to home. I think another way of saying that is: I’m too smart for my own good. I have to fight the reflexive action of figuring it out for myself and instead lay the situation at God’s feet first and ask Him for wisdom and direction. I can’t assume that I know best, but I know He always does.

You see God’s wisdom doesn’t always match up to my perception of wisdom, but it’s always for my good and His glory.

What are your strengths? Do they ever become a liability?

#toosmartformyowngood #confessionsofanotsolaidbackmom #mygoodhisglory